Form x Function: The Carhartt WIP Essentials Sling Bag

Some things are just perfect.

In the grand scape of human history, there have been many attempts to bring together man and machine.

The results of these attempts can vary wildly, from the very successful; such as the AK-47 assault rifle (named “the world’s favourite killing machine” by Amnesty International), to embarrassing flops like Google’s inexcusably whack 2014 Google “Glasshole” Glasses (if you’d like a chuckle you can read some of the world’s top tech news outlets fucking slating them here, here and here).

Since I’m not trying to commit war crimes (unless you consider DJ-ing dubstep a war crime), or look like even more of a prime dickhead, I’ve not used an AK-47 or the first iteration of the Google Glasses.

Seriously, look how shit they look. Imagine wearing them. And now imagine rocking up to the pub in those and then having the whole pub ruthlessly mock you for trying to push the boundaries of looking like a cunt.

However, one thing I have used almost every single day since I first got mine in May 2022 is the Carharrt WIP Essentials Sling Bag.

Here it is. Feast your eyes upon it and bask in the reflected glory of one of the most aesthetically pleasing and functional items ever created by mankind. (N.B. that’s not my one. My one has a Batman pin badge on for added $wag. You’ll have to keep reading to the end to see mine).

Much like the AK-47 it is both instantly recognisable and eminently functional. It just works in pheneomenal fashion.

If you are an enterprising go-getter and you want to join 2024 and decolonise your pockets, then this is the tool with which to do it.

Made from recycled polyester-blend canvas it has four external pockets, three with zips and one with velcro fastening action, and one final internal pocket in the well of the main zip pocket.

At the risk of sounding like a Goldsmiths Art History grad writing product copy in the ASOS content mines, the sling bag also comes in a range of colours to suit one’s aesthetic. Mine is black, because the only two things that never go out of fashion are black and considered loyalty, but you could have a camo one for hiding in the bushes when you haven’t paid your tick, and you could have a beige one for…

For…

Ok it’s a bag, you put stuff in it and I think it’s great. I’m sure you get the picture.

How about a history lesson.

Way back in 1889 Hamilton Carharrt, because this was the 1800s and everyone had fucking ridiculous names (says a man who walks around with a double-barelled surname), founded a clothing company in Detroit, MI to make garms for the workers who were enjoying the sudden upheval of the industrial revolution.

Here he is. Dripped out in the hardest garms 1889 could provide.

From just two sewing machines and five workers the drip started gushing and soon railroad workers, bravely pioneering their way from coast to coast, were all bare on fleek yo.

I think saying that shit in the late 1800s would have got you either sent to a mental asylum so doctors could drill holes in your head or press ganged into the navy so you could go get pissed at sea and say weird shit while you got buggered by the bosun’s mate.

The past sucked.

Fast forward (through two world wars and pretty much all of recent history) to 1989 when a pair of Swiss ponces called Edwin and Salomee Faeh visited the USA.

Upon landing they realised that America was hoarding all of the drip for themselves and, after a licencing deal which I’m totally sure was really fucking boring for everyone except the laywers who wrote it up, they began to create streetwear in Europe with the same rugged reliability with which Hamilton Carharrt (and his peadophile-tier moustache) had founded the company with.

This brings us neatly back to 2024 where I, a young, enterprising chap has need of a holdall to carry his bits in style.

That need is met in fine fashion by the Carharrt WIP Essentials Sling Bag. Here’s mine.

It’s a bit battered. It’s seen some very weird shit. It has a Batman pin badge (Batman from the classic B:TAS cartoon for the heads that know). It’s ready to spend many years fruitfully transporting all my bits around.

Perfect.